Friday, 11 May 2018

when your girlfriend steals your jeans, moves to paris & becomes a total bitch.

Imagine, after having toiled for the whole day, how much the body stands in need of rest; how much more then must the mind stand in need of rest! The mind works much faster than the body. Naturally the mind is much more tired than the body. And not every person knows how to rest his mind and therefore the mind never has a rest. And then what happens after a while is that the mind becomes feeble. It loses memory, the power of action. It loses reason. The worst effects are mostly brought about by not giving the mind proper repose. If such infirmities as doubt and fear happen to enter the mind, then a person becomes restless, he can never find rest. For at night the mind continues on the track of the same impressions. Simple as it seems to be, very few know the resting of the mind and how wonderful it is in itself. And what power, what inspiration, comes as a reaction from it, and what peace one experiences by it, and how it helps the body and mind! The spirit is renewed once the mind has had its rest.

We usually rest our body at will whenever circumstances allow us to; we recline on a couch or in an armchair after coming back from the office or work and at night we rest and go to sleep; but when do we give the mind a rest? Rest for the mind is as necessary as rest for the body, and yet we always keep the mind in action. It is constantly at work even if our body is resting. ...

All this shows the great practical need for the mind to be at rest, for the mind to be stilled. Those who make it a principle that work is always an advisable thing are one-sided. Balance lies in perceiving that work and rest are equally necessary for good health, both physical and mental.

The work of the body is sometimes kept under a man's control, but he does not keep the work of the mind under his control. This is not because he cannot do so; it is because he never thinks about it.

Friday, 27 April 2018

Bring me to my knees.

Life is bigger than you & me.

I thought I heard you laughing
I thought I heard you sing.

Every whisper....
Every waking hour...

Trying to keep my eye on you.

Every moment has its message.

Oh no I said too much.

Consider this.

Think I saw you try.

Just a dream.

Thursday, 26 April 2018

Thank you for being here.
I'm happy I'm not obliged to entertain anyone right now.
Not that I'm in a mood. I just don't have the energy to devote.
I remember She died devoting Herself to Him. 'Help me'
She said, 'Help me.' Her very last words. Not that I'm in a mood.
I just don't have the energy. I'm happy to be here though. I had one
Of those great years you can't quite comprehend 'til it's over. Here we go again.
Like I was just here yesterday. Like this heat never left. Intensity. Here I was
Thinking I was being mellow. Left to my own my cellphone free
World. I'm ready to be face to face. This heat. As soon as they leave I will take
Their spot. 'You're on your own spiritual journey,' She says. Aren't we all?
'Sorry, do you have a copy of yours that I could borrow?' This could be anywhere
I could be anyone. Slave traders, breakfast dates, unrelatable short stories
I think you try too hard, he says. I think I try too hard to tell the difference.
Gentle Jesus. His season is over. Gratitude. Forgiveness. Yeah f$$k you too.
Sailor's mouth & all that shit. His tiny, little lips.
I wonder. I wish.
Her perfume lingers
In places
She's never been.
Help me she says
Help me.
You never needed to be saved.
Twirl your thumbs.
Pass the time.
Don t you get it yet?
These stories don't add up.
These stories don't go anywhere
Let go of the product.
The process is special.
The product.... Pfffft.
There have been mistakes,
Regrets, wrong minded phases.
But this is the season.
What's happened?
Hey hombre
Come stai?
The weather is sweet.
Just listen.
Listen to the noise
As if it were music.
Man you know what
You're doing.

Wednesday, 25 April 2018

When was the last time you were here? He asks.
4 or 5 years ago.
His eyes widen.
(People are always amazed when I come back.
People are always amazed when I remember.
As if I could forget. As if people weren't my 
How was it?
& now?
I look away.
He owns a metaphysics bookstore in the market
where He also makes & sells His jewelry. 
He's from Peru & most of his dreads 
are hidden under a handmade hat. 
What do you do?
I'm too ashamed to answer.
Besides being a hypnotist.
(He gets it.)
You just do this?
Make eye contact?
What's your intention?
Again I'm too ashamed.
Are you in danger?
Or are you being dangerous?


Sunday, 22 April 2018

If one more person
Thinks of me as
Their cooler
Older sister...

What other ways are there to meditate?
Someone asked out loud.

How can you tell the difference between the moment
You are meditating from the moment you are not?
Surely it doesn't stop when you've opened your eyes,
When you've uncrossed your legs, when you've stood up.
Why are you meditating in the first place? To Unfuck the
Mind? To get out of your head? To change the pattern?
Why then are you asking for a new pattern, a new mantra,
A new way to control your breath? A new way to control?
How can you tell the difference between the controlled
& the controller? Silly war. Silly peace of mind.

If one more person says I'm like a cooler older sister
I may actually start to lose it.

Friday, 20 April 2018

& Sometimes I skip rehearsal 
to go to the record shop down the street
or the fortune teller down the road...

...most of the time I just go to rehearsal.

Thursday, 19 April 2018

PS. I don't mind if you're the crazy one.

said the moonshot thinker.


"School is where we send kids to be brought up by other kids"

"I asked my housemate at the time if he wanted to help me plant grass seeds in the front. I really wanted a new lawn instead of a pile of dirt.

No that's OK, he answered, I already know how to do that sort of thing.

Right. Because that was the whole point of my asking."

"Hoping Saint Peter will let us in too.
He says if you value your life
Stay off the drugs.
If you value those drugs
Stay off the map.
If you value them maps
You better travel son.
If you don't wanna to travel
You better run."

I'm only an interesting girl, because I know the most interesting boys. His journal is still my most prized possession

well, i suppose i'll have to come clean about the bullshit i've just been through and why i haven't been able to make it there.

met a girl in late december who totally charmed me- flirting for about 2-3 hours, dancing around, asking lots of personal questions.  wouldn't leave the record shop without a hug.  got her name (i think) and didn't see her till a month later, she came in, flirted (we both claimed to have thought of the other in the month between, i know i did) and i got her e-mail (bit eccentric, claims not to have a phone.  i can believe that, believe it or not).  this all was a red flag i ignored, she's 30 to my 48 and damn cute to boot.  too good to be true.

anyway, set off a storm (110 e-mail in 42 days, back and forth), met her a few times for coffee and drinks, came by the store for the express reason to take me to dinner, a back and forth, one step up, two back, all the while me, stuck in the middle-ages, falls head over heels.  second red flag, when she was in a gregarious mood the compliments to me were over the top (your the coolest person i've ever metyou have so much to offer the world, the art of yours should be framed). coffee situation i mentioned you guys and she plots a impulsive plan to go to miami.  i'm game, travel could bring us closer, as none of this dance involved sex, and i still had hope.  i also, because she has a very secretive/mysterious persona, am trying to get to know her better...

she also has a blog, which i found out about using what little i could glean about her.  she had been using my e-mails for content (she had already told me she writes, and uses a lot of appropriation, so i didn't mind).  some of it from february is my writing, not all.  as i said, this was never told to me but rather inferred.  i texted her i liked being a character in her meta-fictional book.  no real reaction or question how i knew, a kind of indifference (well, most people don't...she said).

i had developed questions about her mental state, being once with a bi-polar girl (long ago enough i felt like another).  the way she one day was adoring to the next of cold shoulder seemed suspicious.  her secretive/mysterious persona was beginning to wear on my nerves, why hide unless you have something to hide?  i am very open and forthright, sending her clear, understandable messages of intent and infatuation, to be replied with french poetry and no answers to direct questions.  ah, c'est la vie.  (i am drinking while i write this, i hope i don't lose my sense of trying to make a long story short...).

she had told me she was a narcissist, so i read a book about it.  she had also told me my friends would tell me to get away from her as she was using me, i didn't see it then.  she knows what she is and what she does and why she does it.  a seducing narcissist, makes another fall in love with her (or him, go by her) by exaggerated attention/flattery, and when the mark is primed they reciprocate, which is the blood these vampires suck on.  i could live with that, i could spend my life with a woman who made me feel good so i made her feel good, and on and on up a sisyphean hill.  she sucked me dry (yeah, i wish) and had no further use.  i got fucked without getting fucked.  and i, (being a level headed narcissist, but narcissistic none the less) believed her exaggerations.  fuck yes, i believe i could woo a cute chick with my romantic poetic musings, she should be so lucky to be the one...

i am going to come to miami, i need a fucking holiday, but i'm coming alone.  i'd say april 4-5 to 8-9 (i will check details as it approaches).  till then record sales, randy and philippa's birthdays (we are separated but still very close friends, she gave me advice on how to deal with this chick, and is pissed off at her now.  i choose my real friends with care).

edit this before i send it.  anyway, today (ides - backstabbing time), a day we had agreed to spend together, today past proclamations are forgotten, like travel plans, and fences mended with rubble from bridges burnt just create another barrier.  she was the angel i wanted to wrestle to get to heaven.  i didn't mean to mislead you- her words - 

 i would send a photo of her, but why the fuck bother...

drunk, sad, but fuck - i feel so alive

flogging a dead horse. 

Sent from Outlook

Tuesday, 10 April 2018

It's hard to judge
When you're being

It's easy to be judged
When you are the muse.

Almost expected.

Walking through snow with the hot chick
To the French chick's apartment.

It's time our love become a flame.

Dreaming the Italian man is waiting for me
while washing my coffee maker.

I couldn't have been that bad if he's getting on a plane.

Another man questions his playlist.

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